WITH
IN
E3 BATTLE!

---

Hsu: Ah, welcome video gamers to another wacky X-Force epliouge, my brother Chan and I are wrapping up production of our latest project Roller Death Derby 6 for the Playstation 2 with a special rehash editon for Microsoft's X-Box, Roller Death Derby X... how goes RDD6 brother?

Chan: Should be done in a couple days Hsu, but I'm getting disturbing flame mails from a breakaway team of Capcom employees.

Hsu: What? Keiji Inafune has quit?

Chan: No, the mavericks from Mega Man X4. A little cabal called the X-Force.

Hsu: What are they saying?

Chan: Well their leader Ben (aka Magma Dragoon) insists that we look into other careers because we suck at video game designing.

Hsu: What they dare insult the almighty Tanaka Brothers? Those whelps will pay for these insults!

Chan: Calm down brother Hsu, we can't just go up to X-Force City and kick their collective asses.

Hsu: I beat Mega Man X4 in two hours flat. How hard can they be?

Chan: It's simple we get them where it really hurts...

Hsu: Tell me more brother Chan.

Couple hours later...

Andrew: Has anyone gotten the mail yet, I'm waiting for my new issue of Nintendo Power...

Gary: Yeah!

Alon: I hope Ralph didn't get run over again...

Gary: Why they haven't retired the shriveled old fart is beyond me...

Ben: Well guys don't expect him to be coming soon...

X-Force: !!!

Ben: I got a ransom note from the Tanaka Brothers...

Dear X-Force,

We do not take your cheap insults lightly as we have your mailman Ralph, to get him back. Go to E3, bow at our feet chanting "Hsu and Chan are gods" or kick our asses and you'll get the old man back.

Hsu and Chan Tanaka

P.S. Don't go to the police we paid them off with beta releases of Bad Mileage 2002.

Rob: Those bastards kidnapped Ralph and blocked our mail. So what are we going to do?

Ben: Exactly what they told us to do.

Gary: Got to E3 bow down at their feet and chant "Hsu and Chan are gods"? Geez Ben I thought you'd have more dignity than that...

Ben: (Pulls out stun gun and shock Gary)

Gary: YEOOOOW!

Ben: No, we're going to E3 and we'll kick their asses! Who's with me?

X-Force (cept' for Gary): YEAH! (run off)

Gary: (Lies immobile) owieeeeeeee....

So at E3...

Chan: Ironic no? The Dreamcast is getting major attention n'est-ce pas?

Hsu: But however the PlayStation2 is stealing the show...

Chan: So when can we expect the X-Force to scumb to us?

Hsu: I don't know brother it was you who wrote "or kick our asses"

Chan: Come now brother, you have to give me a little credit no? I suggested we bring these costumes along...

Hsu: But this suit iches like the cheap carpet at the office.

Chan: I wouldn't know, you are the one that sleeps on it.

Hsu: Silence! Look who is loaded with a chain gun and nary a clue how to use it...

Chan: Remember the X-Force are our real enemies and take that cigar out of your mouth. What did Mother Tanaka say about smoking?

Elsewhere...

Ben: So Gary no hard feeling about shocking you back home?

Gary: Nah! How did you get access to this conference without being booted by security?

Ben: Charm...

Trevor: ((I hardly think beating the security guards half to beat is charm.))

Alon: Yeah, but it's effective... uh... where are Rob and Andrew?

Marc: I recall them going Nintendo's booth...

Ben: They can't get enough nintendo...

Rick: Well I've had it with this booth...

Gary: Where are we again?

Rick: I think it's the X-Box booth...

X-Force: (Shudder)

As they come across the Sega Booth...

Chan: Look! It's the X-Force!

Hsu: How shall we ambush them? Back or Front?

Chan: Like a true bastard in Unreal Tournament and BACK!

Hsu: CHARGE!!!

Ben: Do you have that feeling?

Alon: What feeling?

Rick: When you should...

X-Force: GET OUT OF THE WAY! (Dodge the Tanaka's charge)

(The Tanaka Brothers slam into the POed Gamner)

POed: You again! YOU MAKE ME PLAY THAT FREAKIN' PANSY GAME NOW YOU RUINED MY E3 EXPIRIENCE!!! DIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Chan: We made a made a rather nasty error Hsu...

Hsu: Shut up and just...

Hsu and Chan: RUN!!!

(The X-Force rushes in and watches)

Trevor: ((And only if they sold popcorn...))

Saleman: Popcorn get 'ur...

Trevor: ((Right here my man...))

Gary: But you don't have a mouth...

Trevor: ((Details. Details. Nitpicker.))

(Meanwhile the Tanaka Brother run in circles trying to flee the POed Gamer)

POed: I swear I paint the conference red with your guys BLOOD!!!

Hsu: CHAN! Do you have plan now? IT WOULD BE VERY HELPFUL!!!

Chan: Indeed I do... with this Ash costume I'll saw this pillar...

REEEEEEEEOW!

(Pillar falls and the POed gamer jumps it)

POed: KILLLLLLLLLLLLL!

Chan: Bagat! His mechanical hatred knows no bounds! Time to use the last restort...

Hsu: Oh no not the... SHOTGUN!

BAM!

BAM!

BAM!

POed: (Groans) morphineeeeeee....

Hsu: You didn't kill him brother...

Chan: I shouldn't have I used those special bean bags and filled them with iron filings...

Hsu: Doesn't he need medical attention?

Chan: If he doesn't get up in 20 minutes he will...

Ben: Hey Tanakas! Your tactics are as lame as your games!

Gary: Your Roller Death Derby 5 sucks eggs!

Hsu: Insolents! Time to use our genetically engineered Pokemon!!!

Chan: Calm down brother. You know what the judge said...

Hsu: This is personal now! GO...

USELESSBUG!

Uselessbug: Yowza!

Hsu: Use your "Soften" attack!

Alon: (Kicks Uselessbug like a soccer ball)

Chan: That was pure chance! GO...

GILA MOBSTER!

Gila Mobster: Do as I say and we'll all be happy...

Ben: (Leers)

Gila Mobster: Maybe again you're a better lizard than I am... (Goes back into the Pokeball)

Chan: No! GO...

CHIASAUR!

Chaisaur: CHIA!

Rick: (Tries to shock into submission) Damn! Why isn't it working?

Marc: Your electric attacks wou't do much damage to a Chia-type , allow me... (Pours salt on Chiasaur)

(Chiasaur shrivels up)

Marc: And it will never evolve... a double plus.
Ben: Is that the best you have? We got less trouble from the old lady across the street!

Hsu: Hmmm... we greatly underestimated them. What option do we have left?

Chan: Our last one...

Hsu: No not...

Chan: GO...

CHERNOBYL!

Chernobyl: Chernobyl!

Hsu: Use Meltdown!

Chernobyl: Chernobyl!

(The blast annhilates everything in the Sega Booth)

Hsu: Did we win?

Chan: I see no one in the immediate vicinity... apparently we did.

Hsu: We proved our superiority in combat and game design...

Chan: Indeed we are gods...

(The police come in)

Policeman: Hsu and Chan Tanaka, you are under arrest for kidnapping, assault, domestic terrorism, destruction of private property, manslaughter, direction violation of a court order,  use of weapon without proper papers, use of nuclear chipmunk...and even more parking tickets? Boy you'll be lucky if the judge doesn't sentence you to death this time.

Hsu: Argh! The law has caught up with us! Until next time I'm Hsu Tanaka...

Chan: Hey watch your hands...

Greg Stewart: Execute them.

(To those who don't read EGM, Greg Stewart is their local Canadian editor. Who's gotten some nasty flame because of his review of Chrono Cross)

Outside the Nintendo booth

Rob: Aw that bites! We got banned from excessively playing the GBA and Gamecube games...

Andrew: Heck what what are ya' going to do?

Rob: Hey look! Hey Ben!

Ben: Rob...

Rob: What happened at the Sega Booth?

Alon: Those lamers Hsu and Chan attacked us...

Rick: And boy...

Andrew: Hey you battled them with out us?

Gary: You didn't miss much really we walked out when Chernobyl used "Meltdown".

Ben: So what? Some people never learn. They'll be back, waiting to get their revenge.

Trevor: ((Why can't I eat this popcorn?))

X-Force: (Sigh)

Meanwhile in Prison...

Hsu: Damn! We never scratched their armor...

Chan: Maybe there is a lesson from this melee.

Hsu:?

Chan: Maybe to appease the gaming community we should listen to our fans and create completely original games instead of making countless sequels to an existing series.

Hsu: ...

Hsu and Chan: NAH!

Hsu: Well until Mother Tanaka can post bail we are Hsu and Chan Tanaka co-starring with the X-Force, and taking the shortcut...